SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be Scheduled in the late afternoon. We will allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 9:00 to 9:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 9:10 to 9:20, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
It has been brought to our attention that some employees seem to be having difficulty understanding their paycheck deduction stub. The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
ITEM / AMOUNT:
Gross pay £ 1,222.02
Income tax £ 244.40
Outgo tax £ 45.21
State tax £ 11.60
Interstate tax £ 61.10
County tax £ 6.11
City tax £ 12.22
Rural tax £ 4.44
Back tax £ 1.11
Front tax £ 1.16
Side tax £ 1.61
Up tax £ 2.22
Tic-Tacs £ 1.98
Thumbtacks £ 3.93
Carpet tacks £ 0.98
Stadium tax £ 0.69
Flat tax £ 8.32
Surtax £ 3.46
Corporate tax £ 2.60
Parking fee £ 5.00
FICA £ 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund £ 9.95
Life insurance £ 5.85
Health ins. £ 16.23
Dental ins. £ 4.50
Mental ins. £ 4.33
Reassurance £ 0.11
Disability £ 2.50
Ability £ 0.25
Liability £ 3.41
Unreliability £ 10.99
Coffee £ 6.85
Coffee Cups £ 6.31
Computer rental £ 60.20
Floor rental £ 16.85
Chair rental £ 0.32
Desk rental £ 4.32
Union dues £ 5.85
Union don'ts £ 3.77
Cash advance £ 0.69
Cash retreats £ 121.35
Overtime £ 1.26
Undertime £ 54.83
Eastern time £ 9.00
Central time £ 8.00
Mountain time £ 7.00
Pacific time £ 6.00
Time Out £ 12.20
Oxygen £ 10.02
Water £ 16.54
Heat £ 51.42
Cool air £ 26.83
Hot air £ 20.00
Miscellaneous £ 113.29
Sundry £ 12.09
Various £ 8.01
Net Take Home Pay £ 0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, onsternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.