Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Mr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent a moment, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen the bloody tent."
  
 Airlines
Lufthansa Airlines >>
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the Captain:"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean". The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. Captian:"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane". After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request.

Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement: Captain: "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... "-Thank You For Flying Lufthansa- ".

British Airways >>
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. we are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic." "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off." "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."
 
 Find the Rabbit!

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
 
 Talking Timbukutu
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Malaysia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes 'means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes?
Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache,
crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother
honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome" rabbit!"