The Big Hole
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big hole. "Wow . . . that looks deep." "Sure does . . . toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait . . . no noise "Man. That is REALLY deep . . . here . . . throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait . . . and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey . . . over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss that sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise. The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen . . . Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey . . . you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah", say the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.
  
 Good Old Pastor
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all. " He opened the note, and read, "Idiot, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
 
 Spielberg

A Chinese went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to a famous Hollywood producer, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous producer was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash, the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the producer. Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell was that for?" The producer ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you ##@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!" I am not Japanese, you stupid Nincompoop! I am a Chinese !" Yeah, yeah, yeah ...Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, ...you are all the same." Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a deadly snake fist to the producer, sending him flat to the floor. "What was that for?!!" exclaimed the producer. "That's for the sinking of the TITANIC! I had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese replied. "You ignorant chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg! " shouted the producer. "Yeah, yeah, yeah...Iceberg, Spielberg, Calsberg...you are all the same!"
  

 
 To tell the Age...
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?". "About 32", the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when Iwas young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your breasts. Then I can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead". The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47." Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know?". The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."
 
 Shock Treatment
Dick received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive...those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Dick tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example ... nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Dick put the parrot into the freezer. For a few moments Dick heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming -- then suddenly there was quiet. Dick was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Dick's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, and therefore, I ask for your forgiveness . I will endeavor to correct my behavior." Dick was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just about to ask the parrot what had made such a drastic change in his attitude, when the parrot spoke again and said: "If you don't mind, may I ask what the chicken did?